My therapist said something in our first or second session that hit home, that up until this point it doesn't seem like I've ever lived a life that was truly my own. As a kid, my parents wouldn't let me play soccer no matter how hard I begged, telling me that soccer is a boy's sport and I needed to dance instead. I despised dance with all my heart and told my mom every week, yet she still sent me to 4 or 5 dance lessons a week. I wanted to do robotics, but my parents thought

Many of my past therapists have noticed that I get existential quickly. A negative experience quickly transforms into nihilism and existentialism. In a highly dysregulated state, I start asking myself, "Why am I here? What if I have no purpose at all?" and intellectualize my emotions to avoid feeling them. I generalize a single experience into this broader question of whether the pros of living outweigh the cons. This intellectualization then convinces me that I am thinking t

I just experienced a mass shooting and am in complete shock. It was a regular day at work, busy schedule, high expectations from...

This week has been a fight for survival. At times I was passively suicidal, remaining in bed yesterday until 4pm - not because I was...

After 4 months of sick leave, I officially returned to work today. The day went by so slow, and I felt like I was going to explode. I...

Two weeks ago, I took down this blog in the heat of the moment. The frustration had been growing for over a month, and I think it became...

If I had to be honest, I think I would be really good at taking my own life if I meant it. I'm very scientific, good at research, quite...