A month ago, I made an attempt. I stayed in the hospital for the 4th time in a year. Every day since has been a battle to fill this endless void in what seems to be my soul. That sounds dramatic, but that is exactly how I feel. Every day, I have this pit in my stomach, this voice in my head taunting me to end it all, and this overpowering, discouraging feeling of exhaustion. Every night, I wake up from tossing a turning and being chased by dogs and shooters and past mistakes

My therapist said something in our first or second session that hit home, that up until this point it doesn't seem like I've ever lived a life that was truly my own. As a kid, my parents wouldn't let me play soccer no matter how hard I begged, telling me that soccer is a boy's sport and I needed to dance instead. I despised dance with all my heart and told my mom every week, yet she still sent me to 4 or 5 dance lessons a week. I wanted to do robotics, but my parents thought

Many of my past therapists have noticed that I get existential quickly. A negative experience quickly transforms into nihilism and existentialism. In a highly dysregulated state, I start asking myself, "Why am I here? What if I have no purpose at all?" and intellectualize my emotions to avoid feeling them. I generalize a single experience into this broader question of whether the pros of living outweigh the cons. This intellectualization then convinces me that I am thinking t

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