The Meaning Of Life

Many of my past therapists have noticed that I get existential quickly. A negative experience quickly transforms into nihilism and existentialism. In a highly dysregulated state, I start asking myself, "Why am I here? What if I have no purpose at all?" and intellectualize my emotions to avoid feeling them. I generalize a single experience into this broader question of whether the pros of living outweigh the cons. This intellectualization then convinces me that I am thinking totally rationally about life and death when really I am in too much pain to make the judgement call.

2025 was an extremely difficult year. 2 hospitalizations where I felt that my agency was stripped away. 2 months at residential treatment without a phone. 2 separate partial hospitalization programs. A separate night in an extended observation bed at the psychiatric emergency department. That's a record for me.

But in the process, I think I've also come to understand my self more, and perhaps that this grand question about the "meaning of life" is actually a lot simpler than I previously made it out to be. I was reaching for answers, when the answer was really right in front of me. The meaning of my life is comprised of my 3 biggest values: family / friends, service / kindness, and adventure. That is what I live for.

My psychologist pointed out that I seem to derive a lot of my self worth from outcomes. He suggested asking my partner what they derived self worth from. And the love of my life answered in a heartbeat that it was to be there for family.

In this frenzy to uncover the elusive answer to the existential question, I also read Viktor Frankel's book, Man's Search for Meaning. For him, everyone needed to discover their own meaning, but the primary human drive is the pursuit of what we find meaningful. Our values.