Surviving A Mass Shooting

I just experienced a mass shooting and am in complete shock. It was a regular day at work, busy schedule, high expectations from colleagues, and I didn't expect to get home until midnight. I started feeling overwhelmed at my desk, went to the bathroom, and noticed it was already 6pm. Dinner credit had kicked in, so might as well go down for a walk and grab some dinner to reset.

I took twists and turns around the neighborhood, circling blocks, trying to be mindful of the tiles on the floor and the sensory experience of walking down a busy city street. Then, I grabbed dinner. The food hall was being slow, took a while to get my food. Was in a rush to get back to finish some tasks before 8pm. I was a block away when people started screaming, "active shooter, run the other way!!!!!" I almost didn't believe it was real, felt like they were kidding. But I followed a swarm of people into a nearby office lobby and hid. Someone in that building started screaming too, so people ran in a frenzy out those revolving doors. Left or right? It was so weird that making that tiny choice of which direction to run seemed like it could determine life or death. It's weird because I have a lot of dreams where someone is chasing me, or even some where I am in the building with a shooter, trying to run away. In those dreams, I always make the wrong choice of direction. I didn't have faith that I'd make the right one this time.

It all happened in a frenzy. I didn't have any of my dinner that night, couldn't stomach it. Couldn't sleep but was exhausted. And yesterday, I lay in bed and couldn't move. The shooting happened in the lobby I was rushing to get back to.

I told my therapist that I didn't have the resilience to get through this. How many times I had to say to myself, "ok, c'mon, just do this tiny thing, you got this." Did it to get out of bed, to get food, to chew and swallow it, to pay rent at the bank, to make simple phone calls, to take the subway. But, to my surprise, she told me that what I was saying to myself and what I managed to accomplish was in and of itself resilience.

One thing making everything even harder is that I keep invalidating how I am feeling and why I am feeling it. Because my friend was there and he doesn't seem fazed at all. He said something to the effect of, "welcome to America." But it's ok for my experience to be different. It's a scientifically well documented fact that different people respond differently to the same traumas. I just need to tell myself that me responding this way doesn't mean I'm fragile and weak. Rather, it's a function of my biology and life experiences up to this point.