And yet, you remain

This week has been a fight for survival. At times I was passively suicidal, remaining in bed yesterday until 4pm - not because I was tired, but because I didn't want to be conscious of the reality of my existence. At times, I was actively suicidal, at work on Friday, making the trek to my favorite lunch spot because I was convinced it was going to be the last meal I ever had.

I tried to call my psychiatrist this afternoon, when I was heading to the rooftop to maybe jump off. I ran into my mom on the way up, who sternly told me it was closed anyways for renovation. My mood swings drastically throughout the day, so by the evening, I was feeling more like myself. At dinner, he called. I picked up, apologized for calling him on the weekend, and explained what had happened. After checking in on how I was doing in the moment he said, "and yet, you remain."

This fight is feeling relentless, yet for the last 3 years, I have chosen to keep going every day. Tomorrow is going to be really hard, and I am absolutely dreading it. But I will still show up, keep going, if not for me then for those I love.