Republishing the Blog

Two weeks ago, I took down this blog in the heat of the moment. The frustration had been growing for over a month, and I think it became clear that it would be callow to blame my sadness, emotion dysregulation, and suffering on just my busy job. I had been away from work for a month, yet I still felt suicidal. It related to my core beliefs, complex trauma from childhood, and perhaps something intrinsic about my personality, brain chemistry, and the way I was born. I took it down with no intention of putting it back up again, with a plan to take my own life the following day.

I was lucky to have met a really great doctor in my partial hospitalization program. I didn't tell him everything I was planning or thinking, but he saw that something was off. He decided to do our med meeting on Monday, not Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. He sat with me, talking calmly, and I wasn't on alert at all. I didn't think hospitalization was even on the table. I felt like I could tell him how extreme my pain was that day without suffering any consequences of his doing. But at the end of it all, he knew that something was very wrong about me that day, and he sent me to the psych ward again.

I'm 75% sure that he saved my life. The other 25% is a chance I would have backed down from my plan, come to my own senses. He told me that he knew how much I didn't want to be hospitalized but that he couldn't bear to leave my life to a coin toss.

Yesterday, I came home, finally regained internet access. The first thing I did on my laptop was restore this blog. This blog is a symbol of life to me. The fact that it is still running reflects that I still have hope that I can build a life worth living. I still have the desire to be alive. It means that I am still fighting.

I am posting because I am fighting for my life, fighting to keep this blog alive, keep myself alive.