Returning to Work

After 4 months of sick leave, I officially returned to work today. The day went by so slow, and I felt like I was going to explode. I didn't want to talk to people, so I avoided them. I wanted space to myself, so I went to the bathroom and sat in a bathroom stall for 15 minutes every hour. I brought a bag of warheads to reset my body every time my thoughts wouldn't stop raging. I used an ice pack and pressed it against my face to try to re-regulate after I became nervous and dysregulated. I felt dizzy and hot and the LED lights in the office felt so bright.

People at work are really nice and sensitive. I won the lottery when it came to that. I almost felt bad because folks showed a look of surprise when they saw me, then they asked "how are you doing?" in a more genuine way than usual, but didn't pry any further. That was pretty much the extent of almost every conversation I had.

My manager has been super busy and hasn't had any time to chat with me over the phone or in-person over the last 3 weeks. But she texted me the minute I got onto the floor, welcoming back. And, at the end of the day, she messaged, "how did the first day go?"

That was a loaded question. I told her I was ramping up, but it was challenging as expected.

But when I came home, my friend said it seemed like I had a great day because of my mood. The truth is, my mood had more to do with the fact that I had survived the day and pride surrounding that than how the day went.

I want to think of work like Eli the Pink Elephant thought of college. It's about sticking it through, fighting when it feels impossible, and, more than anything, completing it. My best friend says that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be. And last time, when that was my mentality, I was not only able to survive but also thrive. I graduated with honors and had a 3.94 GPA. Not bad at all for a suicidally depressed girl. When it comes to return to work, I will set the bar low - plan to underpromise but overdeliver.