Unknown Unknowns

This week's been off to a rocky start. I'm transitioning jobs and therapists, moving apartments, while navigating meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time.

My psychiatrist says it is a common neurologic symptom to not be able to move or talk when emotions are very high. In short, my amygdala, hippocampus, limbic system, and brain stem are taking over in fight or flight mode and disrupting higher order brain function like speech. The way Amanda put it, I sometimes shut down.

The weird thing about me is that when I'm not shut down like that, I am still immensely competent. I can learn intro coding problems for SQL in a matter of hours, and I can hold intelligent conversations with hiring managers. I can be high-functioning. But the gas in the tank is just more limited, and the consequence of working hard during the day is shutting down and losing my ability to speak at night. The consequence of working harder seems to be feeling lower.

It's a beautiful paradox. In search of a more balanced job, I am creating imbalance, pushing myself to recruit when I am at my most vulnerable. It's common to work hard in the short term for the sake of long-term gain, but it's hard to do that when I can't be in wise mind.

The other thing that happens is massive fluctuation in productivity. I go from being on fire one day to being frozen the next. It alternates. It sways from one extreme to another, and I wish there could just be a more predictable in-between.

When I'm productive, I surprise people by the amount of modules I go through in a day. I kind of go on autopilot. I'm staring at my screen, then before I know it, I've hit my goal in terms of work completed that day. Then there are days like today, when I feel like my brain never turned on. I am stuck in a bit of a trance, feeling like the world is just a blur, like nothing is real or consequential. The thought of getting my hands dirty is just that, a thought, and there it's impossible to jump into it.

The highs are painful in their own way. My brain goes a thousand words a second, I'm thinking of all the contingencies, and my cheeks few warm, I can feel the blood pulsing in my head. I'm walking 15 minutes to Bryant Park for a coffee chat and during that time I email 10 people. I text 3 potential new therapists, respond to 2 hiring managers, call my real estate agent, call my ski pass issuer, reach out to 3 friends for coffee chats about what their jobs are like, type up a list of people to reach out to, then LinkedIn search to better understand the day-to-day at various jobs. Then come in the lows, this suffocating feeling of not being able to get enough air, of being mad at myself for not being able to focus more. Despite being at home all day, I can feel the sun going down, the LED lights in my apartment feeling brighter as the afternoon turns to evening. I am frustrated because the world around me is moving forward, but I am stuck in time, not making progress.

When I was a kid, the thing I hated most was inefficiency and low productivity. I took on wild challenges, like taking my level 8 cello exam, level 10 piano exam, and harmony music-writing exam over a span of 2 weeks, with 1-2 months of time to prepare. Sometimes, time would go by absurdly quickly, and I would be more productive than I thought humanly possible, memorizing two pieces in the span of 2 hours. On other days, I would sit in front of the piano and play silly games on my phone, nesting and hatching dragon eggs. Whenever I did that, I wouldn't be able to stop beating myself up until I called my mom and told her, "mom, I wasted time today."

I hate being inefficient, and I hate that I can't be focused when I need to be. With all this uncertainty and the amount I need to learn, it's hard to focus. This is a big challenge for me.