I started this blog a year ago today. I remember feeling trapped, like I was suffocating, and typing up these posts as fast as I could as though I was running out of time. I wrote on the subway, during lunch breaks at the restaurant I worked at, and at home before bed. My time was split between sleeping, working at the coffee shop, playing with Cilantro, calling the crisis line, and writing this blog. That's pretty much what I would do all day every day. In a way, this blog saved my life.
I brought Eli the Pink Elephant plushie to college this year. On rough nights, I sleep with her. On good days, she makes me feel hopeful.
I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was. Last year, when I dragged my last suitcase out of my dorm, I said goodbye to some people like it was the last time I would ever see them. I took a long, sad look at the dining hall, the classrooms, and my dorm. I told myself that it would take a miracle for me to feel better. And it would take a miracle for me to even make it to 2023. Yet somehow, I am still here.
I'm writing about all of this to tell you that you are a lot stronger than you might think. I relearned how to experience joy. I came up with a list of reasons to stay alive that I actually fully believe. So can you. I still feel misery, but it doesn't drive every day of my life. And I'm optimistic that it will get better. It's only been a year.
Sometimes, this world doesn't feel real. I wonder if I'm imagining all of it in my head. I daydream about everything turning black and the torturous thoughts in my brain quieting down. But when I feel that way, I've learned how to keep myself safe, knowing that I will probably go back to loving life in a day or to. I dunk my face in bowls of ice water to activate my dive reflex. I start drawing my cat. I tease Cilantro with a little feather on a stick. I watch videos of jellyfish swimming in aquariums and hamsters on pianos. And I know that when I feel better in a day or a week, I will be grateful to be alive because as much as I experience pain, I also experience 5/5 happiness and joy.
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