In October, I didn't realize that I was depressed, and I "self-medicated" by blasting the loudest music through my noise-cancelling AirPods, rocking back and forth in bed, hoping that the sheer volume of the lyrics would drown my painfully sad thoughts away.
Since freshman year, I've created a new playlist every semester, filled with music that "captured the vibe" of that period of my list. My junior fall playlist was filled with motivational songs about needing to "carry on." There was one song that featured literally one line on repeat, "things will get better." On the way home today, I scrolled through my old playlists and unexpectedly came across a song from junior fall that made me cry. It goes somewhat like this:
You'd never know I was fighting for my life 8 months ago I shut the door and covered the windows Cuz the sunlight hurt my eyes
I couldn't even go outside for so so long
And you couldn't tell But the inside of my head was a living hell I tried my best explaining how it felt But nobody ever understood Doctor said that everything looks good So I blamed myself
I don't think I've ever been so lonely Didn't know if I would make it out The dead of the winter of my life In the middle of the summertime And it still haunts me now
But you'd never know That it took me months to step outside alone Cuz my body still gets tense when I walk home Past the spot where it all went dark It's like a movie flashing back in parts
I've been working 7:30am-10pm and loving my job so much that I don't want to leave even after I'm done every task. I'm grabbing brunch, lunch, and dinner to catch up with different people I care about on weekends. My obsession with heavy Chipotle lunches and taking my cat out for walks at the park suggests to everyone that I'm perfectly at peace with myself. And I'm truly feel much better because my "pill breakfast" as I like to call it has actually done wonders. But just 8 months ago, I was fighting for my life; 8 months ago, there was more than one attempt, and I was lucky enough to survive all of them.
This song doesn't make me hopelessly sad. It just reminds me of where I came from, how much has changed despite how little time has elapsed. It's kind of like how you remember what it feels like to be hungry or parched or need to go to the bathroom real bad even if you're not experiencing those feelings in the moment. I didn't think it was possible to feel the way I do now. I still remember enough of that feeling--like the world was on fire, like my brain was a living hell, like I couldn't put into words the overwhelming weight on my shoulders pinning me against the ground. I remember how impossible it felt to just stay alive for five more minutes, how I had to dunk my head in bowls of ice water to slow my heart...just how desperate I felt.
You'd never know what's going on in somebody's life and where they came from. It's so important to be understanding and to not assume.
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