One of the core tenets of DBT is this idea that acknowledging and describing your pain isn't the same thing as liking it. Dialectics. Two opposing things can be true at the same time.
I can accept that "I am in so much pain right now" but also ask whether this feeling fits the facts, whether it is productive, and, if not, whether there are strategies to change it.
This post is me "thinking aloud," if you will, trying to apply this strategy to this moment.
First. What am I feeling right now? Inconsolable. Depressed. Melancholic. Discouraged. Broken. Distant. Insignificant. Confused. Helpless.
Why exactly prompted me to feel this way? Well, I had a pretty rough session with my therapist on Wednesday. I hate 'confronting' people, but I summoned up the courage to start a conversation about how I usually walk away from our sessions sad. It wasn't meant to be confrontational. I thought I was identifying something for the two of us to work on as a team, voicing how I felt so that we could maximize the time we spent together. But I think she really took it seriously. She said, "if DBT isn't working, then probably you're not willing enough." I told her that I am trying my best, that in moments of crisis when I text her, however, I am just barely able to send out the text. I am on autopilot. I am texting her because I can't summon the willingness to practice those skills on my own. She said I had to "try" too, that I had to meet her halfway; it wasn't just about her doing the work.
I don't want to fall into this trap of thinking that people are 100% good or 100% bad. There's a lot of middle ground, and I'm pretty sure everyone on this planet falls somewhere in between the two. She can have the best intentions, and she could still have said something untrue, unhelpful, and hurtful. She can be a good therapist, and she can be not a great fit for me. She could have been helpful before, and maybe she isn't as helpful anymore.
Does she think I didn't try the two times I was wheeled off to a psychiatric hospital? The times I sat in my hospital room crying, unable to get up, unable to eat anything without throwing up. Did she not think that I was willing, for seeing her twice a week and participating in DBT group and going to classes and extracurriculars even when it felt impossible? I feel like I lost someone I depended on, someone I thought I trusted.
So I think it's totally legitimate that I'm experiencing these emotions. They fit the facts. However, they are extremely unpleasant and I want to change them. How?
I am jotting down a list of solutions, and I'm going to try one. If that doesn't work, I'll move down the list and try the next. There's a systematic way to approach this. This is in my control. This feels like so much right now, but I'm going to calm myself down by putting it on Pixel Thoughts and watching the star disappear far into the distance.
Comments