Feeling worthy is different than feeling entitled. Entitlement is about feeling above everyone else, believing that you deserve special treatment. Worthiness is about feeling like you deserve to take up space and breathe in the air that we share. It’s about respecting yourself and feeling like you aren’t a waste of everyone’s time. Sometimes, depression is like a voice in my head insisting that I am undeserving and unworthy.
One of my best friends at the hospital told me one day that he didn’t feel worthy of his single room in the unit (patients were randomly allocated into doubles and singles). I was taken aback because he 100% deserved his own room, especially after four previous hospital stays and severe insomnia. But at the same time, I related deeply to the sentiment.
Throughout my first hospitalization, I felt like I didn’t deserve to take up space in the unit. The day I got out of the hospital, I said to my friend, “I’m really glad I got discharged because I feel like that bed should’ve gone to someone else.” On my second ambulance ride to the hospital, I was overwhelmed more than anything by the feeling of guilt I felt for inconveniencing my parents, my tutor at school, and my friends. Recognizing me from two weeks before, the nurse in the emergency room offered me a room so I could get some sleep on the stretcher overnight. I didn’t think I was worthy relative to everyone else sitting on hallway stretchers. My hair grew to my waist and was frizzy from dead ends, but I didn’t want to take up my hairdresser’s time or spend my parents’ money when I hadn’t committed to sticking around for another week. Depression often comes with these cognitive distortions.
What helped me the most was having people around me who told me that I was enough. The psychiatrist at the hospital admissions center, who told me that I was a really cool person and that she would want to be friends with me. My tutor at school, who told me that I didn’t have to apologize because he knew that I didn’t choose to feel this hopeless. My best friend, who showed me that she thought I was worthy by visiting me at the hospital five days a week. My favorite high school teacher, who told me that she finds herself caring unconditionally about me and supports me regardless of my career decisions.
You deserve to be reminded that you are worthy. It’s not your fault that you’re in so much pain. It’s ok to need help. You are deserving of all the help that you need to keep going.
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