In high school, one of my best friends and I played music in a small chamber ensemble. We busked on the streets, played background music at receptions, accompanied live ballet performances, and competed at music festivals. Sometimes, we would all get stage fright, especially at an important recital. Luckily, her mom is a psychiatrist, and she shared one of the most helpful pieces of wisdom that carried me through competitions and exams in high school.
She said, “treat it like you’re the underdog. All the other competitors don’t expect you to win, but you’ll do an amazing job. When you’re the underdog, there’s no downside, no pressure, no unrealistic expectations. There’s just boundless potential. Embrace that, and go show everyone what you’ve got.”
Her mom taught us to take it one performance at a time, to be resilient, to clear our conscience after an underwhelming first performance and to treat the next one like a blank slate.
It’s been really difficult to disappear on medical leave part-way through the semester, moving off campus without the luxury of taking time to explain my situation to my closest friends in-person. Sometimes, when I catch myself thinking about what I could be doing right now had I not been hospitalized for depression, I try to remind myself that I’m the underdog. I’ve been in the darkest of places—I didn’t want to be alive. So, I suppose there is limited downside and unlimited upside from here. I will be starting a fresh school year, hitting reset, flipping to a blank page. I know it won’t be easy, but I also know that I am stronger for it.
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