November was extremely difficult, and it felt like every single skill that I learned during my medical leave was stress tested. I had to follow my safety plan a few dozen times, and there were times when distress tolerance didn't work and I admitted acted on urges I have been working hard to reduce. All this meant that my extra-supportive parents got a hotel close to campus and decided to stick around for all of finals period. Sometimes, I was barely holding on, and they were well aware of it. Even if it meant that I lost some of my agency, even if I felt like I wasn't a full person anymore and that I had to have them "babysit," they knew how much finishing the semester meant to me.
But after a week staying on the sofa bed at their hotel, I realized that there were things I genuinely missed about this campus I thought I hated. I miss spending a full day at the library during finals period and ordering fried dough and Domino's pizza with my friends at midnight. I miss sitting in the library, walking around campus, popping randomly into house receptions to get tasty treats. I miss being able to stay up late watching TV in bed without bothering my parents or being told to do work instead. I miss going to my favorite late-night spot for loaded nachos at 2am. I miss just sitting in the dining hall and running into friends who I hadn't caught up with in a while. I miss walking around campus just because I wanted to, feeling the cold, biting wind against my ears. I miss having the full evening to myself.
And there's a lot that I'll miss next year too. When I'm wearing formal clothes to work everyday, I'll miss wearing sweats, hoodies, and baggy t-shirts. I'll miss rolling out of bed at 8:58am for my 9am lecture across the street. I'll miss spontaneous hangouts, living just blocks away from the vast majority of my friends on campus. If I were to lose swipe access tomorrow, I would miss studying in the student center overlooking the river. I'll miss the dining hall, which has an endless supply of tea and bananas. I'll miss having an RA, going to "brain break" at 10pm, going to boba study breaks on our floor. I'll miss meeting people for the first time and asking them for their name, major, and residential house. I'll miss riding the shuttle across campus and calling the cool evening van service to pick me up at 1am. I'll miss choir and having a month-long winter break. I'll miss having weekends to goof around, and parties to enter on demand every Friday. I'll miss being in a space with people so close to me in age. I'll miss sitting in a lecture hall listening to the genius professors I admire. To some extent, I'll really miss being a "college kid."
I wouldn't be lying if I said that college has been extremely difficult. There were times I didn't want to be alive, so much so that I spent hard-earned dollars to buy the option of ending my life. There have been a lot of tears; emotional breakdowns with me hiding under my bed, trying to catch my breath. But staying away from campus made me realize that I actually do enjoy part of this experience; there are things that will never be exactly the same as they are now, and I will miss them.
For what it's worth, I have one semester left to go, and, even if it gets difficult, I'll try to notice things that I enjoy and will miss. My goal from now until May is to just embrace the idea of being a "college kid," before I move to the city and begin my career.
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