I probably say that phrase 100+ times a day. Because it's true, I'm genuinely feel awkward and sorry for existing a lot of the time. I'm sorry when I run into people on a crowded street because I berate myself for not being more careful, not being more conscious of my surroundings. I say sorry to my friend when she says "excuse me," feeling awful that I didn't think about how I was blocking her. I'm sorry when I get shipped off to a hospital, and my resident advisor has to do extra administrative work because I'm not on campus like most other students. I'm sorry when I need to go to the bathroom in lecture or on the plane, so much so that I've become anal about always getting the aisle seat. I am sorry when I reach out to my mentor crying, because I know it's a lot to deal with. Sometimes, I am just sorry and people will ask, "why did you say that?" And the answer is - I'm just sorry in general. It's become a mood, a way I consistently feel, an almost defining trait.
I'm not wrong - I'm flawed in a lot of ways. But maybe it would do me some good to reframe some of these thoughts. Maybe sometimes I should change sorry to "thank you." "Thank you" for supporting me over the phone when I was in a really dark place. "Thank you for waiting for me when I was late to our meeting." I need to do that because I can't live on in this sad, apologetic way.
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