I used to be indifferent about the seasons. I love the snow in the winter, the leaves in the autumn, the flowers in the spring, and the sun in the summer. But today, I looked out at the mall from the skytrain station, and for the first time in a while, I cried happy tears.
The book, Portraits of Resilience, instilled in me a sense of hope when everything felt lost. My favourite part was the first sentence of the book. It was something about being able to laugh harder for crying more, appreciating more the springs for the darkness of the winters. I am more compassionate and understanding towards others. That’s one of my core values. You have no idea how grateful I am to see the first signs of spring. The snow is melting, the icicles are falling off the roof, the sun is shining. And every time I feel the pain coming back on, I feel hopeful at the knowledge that I’ve already made it this far. It’s that quote, “and here you are living, despite it all.” I am stronger than I believed. I look out at the mountains and the city and all the buildings that I frequented as a child. I am immensely grateful for them. I’m grateful to hear my heart pounding in my chest, and my palms getting sweaty. If I didn’t fight as hard as I did, it wouldn’t be beating at all, and my hands would be cold.
Most of all, it feels like I earned this by resisting my urges and fighting. And the world looks absolutely stunning. The mountains, the trees, the people rushing around. Sometimes, I wake up feeling like I’m mourning the loss of people I love and the loss of my purpose in life. But right now, I feel like I’m celebrating a victory - it feels no different than the way I felt when I got into the college I've dreamt about since I was eight years old. It’s a pure, concentrated rush of joy that is so powerful it confuses the body. It’s so overwhelmed that it doesn’t even know how to react. The heart slows, tears well in the eyes.
We all have intrusive thoughts, but they don’t become real unless we act on them and let them define us. I’m grateful I never fully acted on the thoughts I had.
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