When I was waiting on an ER stretcher, I listened to Closing Time by Havelin—a Canadian folk group—over 100 times. The lyrics capture exactly what my rational mind wants to tell my emotion mind when I’m in crisis. I listen to it on repeat, on full volume, trying to send a message to my depressed brain that staying alive is worthwhile.
I found myself in the city
In the midst of pretty lights
And I told my friends I was waiting on a train
But the truth is I don't know where I slept last night
Right before I went to the hospital, I was living on a beautiful campus, accepted into selective seminars, getting positive feedback from professors, and set up with a dream job after graduation. From afar, it seemed like I was in the midst of pretty lights. I didn’t tell many friends about why I disappeared for 2 weeks, but the truth is, I slept on a hospital bed in a psych hospital in the middle of nowhere.
Now it's to early to say goodbye
And it's nowhere close to closing time
Don't walk out on me
I've got this feeling that there's something here
Don't just leave me standing in the street
I know there's something in your head saying stay my dear
I’m 21, and it’s too early to give up. I could live for decades more, and this shouldn’t be the final chapter of my life. I can’t walk away from everything I’ve built, everyone I love, and everything I’ve dreamt of. There’s a part of me that knows it’ll be worthwhile to stay.
Sometimes, I listen to the song and let myself cry. When you’re suicidally depressed, it’s impossible to just “snap out of it.” But emphasizing this message again and again gives me direction and motivation when I feel like I have none at all.
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