My psychologist seemed a bit disappointed in our session today, because our problem-solving conversation evolved into an existential debate between me and her about why it makes sense to be alive. The most helpful thing she said was that, unlike a terminally ill cancer patient in constant pain, I had moments (including many recent ones) where I loved my life, where I rated my "happiness" 5/5.
On Sunday, I went skiing. It was our first sunny weekend of the new year, and the warm slanted rays of sun light reflected off the hills covered in snow. I went to a candlelight concert with where a quartet featured Hans Zimmerman pieces from my favorite movies. I wiped out on my skis and fell hard on my bum, and my friends captured all of it on camera. An old friend visited from Abu Dhabi, and we had one of the most amazing heart-to-hearts about how things were going for her after college. I stepped on many people's toes, laughing as I tried to learn Bachata, Cha-Cha, and Viennese Waltz at a dance social.
For a long time, I wasn't able to feel happiness at all. I could stare at a beautiful beach and the only thought running through my head would be my desire to disappear like the waves. But things are changing; much, much slower than I want, but it is changing. When I am in a dark place, I forget about the good moments. I'm writing them down so I don't forget, so I can come back when I am in emotion mind and remind myself of the life worth living that I had dreamt up in wise mind.
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