Today, I said farewell (at least for the next year-and-a-half) to my best friend and roommate. She is "off-cycle," since she took one semester off during COVID whereas I took the full year off. It became very real as I watched the messy room we teased her for clear out, one box at a time. Her snacks came out of the kitchen cupboard, her mattress out of her bedroom, her toothbrush no longer next to mine in the bathroom.
A few weeks ago, we went to a graduation reception for off-cycle graduates to celebrate. I was having a really rough day; my face felt hot, my heart pounding. I couldn't think clearly enough to hold a conversation with some of the friends she introduced me to. But I do distinctly remember the dean walking on stage and saying, "courage is the ability to feel hope despite suffering." Maybe that stuck with me because I was looking around desperately for something meaningful to cling to when the reality of my friend's departure was beginning to settle in.
Last week, my homework assignment from my therapist was to write down what a life worth living would look like for me. I've pretty much spent the last year contemplating the question, "what is the purpose of life." If it's just about weighing the pros and cons, I wouldn't see the purpose, because the depth of my suffering at the darkest times meaningfully outweighs any joy I feel. The pain often feels relentless.
The thing I've been clinging to is this idea that searching for purpose is the most meaningful why to live. My best friend calls it, "curiosity about the future." What the future is like ten years from now scares me; it feels overwhelming. I am depressed, and I don't think I want things I had pictured in my perfect life: no kids, no marriage. But the future I'm trying to stay curious about is the future 6 months from now, when I'm finally a college grad. What will the dean say in the graduation speech next year? What would my new apartment look like? If I adopted another kitten, will my cat get along with them? Life is such a strange phenomemnon. I'm not really sure why I'm here, or if there is a reason to begin with. I will try to keep looking.
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