Over lunch on Friday, my friend said, "hey, I think it's the last day of choir auditions! You should go because all you have to do is sing Happy Birthday." The last time I sang in front of an audience in capacity was 5th grade. But I didn't have any commitments that afternoon, so, walking past the music building, I told myself - why the hell not?
It's been difficult being around campus, where the distinct smell of our hallway floor cleaner, the bright white walls of my dorm building, and the echo of students chattering in the dining hall transport me back to I time I felt hopeless and suicidal, as though I was stuck in a claustrophobic room, burning alive. Sometimes, I get this feeling of intense loneliness even when I have friends around.
What I love about choir is how it makes me feel so much less alone; I'm singing harmonies that click really nicely in place with other voice parts. I'm thinking about my intonation, repeating measures where my rhythm is shaky, feeling like there's no upper bound or conception of perfection - there's always room to improve. It's an activity that forces me to be "one mindful," as we'd say in DBT group.
There have been times over the last couple of weeks when I didn't think I could make it to the end of this semester. It's crazy to think that I'm a senior and this would be my second full in-person semester on campus if I make it through.
What makes me hopeful isn't just the fact that I've found something I'm passionate about. It's that I had completely forgotten what making music meant to me growing up. Joining choir made me realize that there are so many beautiful things about this world that I had forgotten or hadn't discovered, that add to my growing list of reasons to stay alive.
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