My appointment with my psychiatrist coincided with the 1-year mark of my hospitalization last year. He noticed while reading through the charts, and he said, “a lot can change in a year.”
I think about the beautiful fall leaves I could see from the back of the ambulance as we zoomed down the highway towards the treatment facility. I think about what it was like to have my shoes taken away because they had laces and to trade all of my clothes for hospital clothes that looked like scrubs. I think about the way my heart thumped as I walked into the common room of the unit, which had LED lights and a very clinical feel. I think about making phone calls from a wall phone right in front of a loud common room TV.
How am I doing now? Frankly, not the best. Sometimes I wake up and I don’t feel like myself. I sit down in the lecture hall but I’m not mentally there. Sometimes, I seriously consider giving up. But, all things considered, things have gotten a heck of a lot better. And I have to remind myself to be hopeful about how much better things could be one more year from now, 5 years, 10 years from now.
I can focus on preparing for my midterm whereas I couldn’t even focus on an episode of a TV show last year. I have the sweetest little cat, who has the tiniest meow and greets me the moment I come back from class. Sometimes, I spend time with my friends, chatting and laughing, and I forget that depression, the hospitalization, and the medical leave ever happened. Sometimes, I walk to the dining hall, noticing the leaves wafting in the air and the excited chatter of freshmen, and I feel nothing but gratitude for being alive.
So yes, I am hurting in this moment, but a lot has already changed in the last 365 days. Things have improved in a way I didn’t believe was possible. And that gives me hope that things can get better.
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