Yet Another Tree Well

Like any other kid, I grew up ambitious, and I have big dreams. Recently, it's like I skied into a tree well and I've been stuck. It's like my brain is a can of soda and someone started shaking it faster and faster and faster, relentlessly testing it. The walls of aluminum or tin-plated steel have gotten stronger because I've learned from past explosions, but I could still barely hold it in. And it came so close to exploding, I could smell the sugar in the air.

I have been really suicidal and in so much pain. But I am also lucky to have some really high quality people around me, a wise cousin who knows how to best communicate in corporate settings, parents who provide all the unconditional love I can ask for, a compassionate boyfriend who could not have reacted more calmly and more empathetically to finding a suicide note on my desk, a high school debate coach and counselor who sees me as a friend and not just a former long-graduated student, a best girlfriend who was raised to "out-kind" other people because there are things more important in this world than "out-smarting" others, a co-worker with a massive heart who went the extra mile by not only helping me take sick leave but also told me she could even sit with me if I needed someone, a therapist who took a desperate phone call at 1am, a psychiatrist who does everything possible to keep me out of the hospital and cheers me up with the smiling cowboy emoji at the end of his emails.

The world needs more people like the top-tier people I have in my support system. Right now, I'm at a huge crossroads, questioning my future, my strength to live in this world, my ability to put one foot in front of the other and even keep going until the next day. There's something wrong with the way my brain is wired, and sometimes I get really stuck. My people give me hope in humanity and in this world.

For every mid-level manager who scolds me for not working enough over the weekend, for every disillusioned ER nurse who tells me I've lost all my dignity, for every building super who laughs at my requests to get window guards to stay safe, there is a college friend who leaves cookies at my doorstep, a stranger who writes words of encouragement after reading my blog, and a friend who sees me for me, a whole person, after learning about the dozens of episodes of suicidal depression I have lived through.

I've learned that sometimes, when in a tree well, I have to reach my hand out and let the kindness in this world surprise me. Sure, someone might react negatively and not everyone is as kind as they ought to be, but there are some golden people out there that you will never get to truly no unless you try them. You are not alone. Try reaching out to different people, because some of them may surprise you and help you in ways you didn't think were possible. You are not alone.