It Would Take A Miracle

November 2022 marked the end of my junior year of college. As my friends packed their bags for Thanksgiving break, I cleared out my dorm room and bade farewell to my resident advisor and his cat. I was asked to move out, put on involuntary leave because of the intensity of my suicidal depression and my two in-patient hospital stays.

At 21, I thought this would be the last time I'd set foot on campus, that I'd no longer be in this world in 12 months' time. I remember telling my mentor, "to be honest, it would take a miracle for me to feel better."

I'm still alive because there was a miracle. It wasn't a supernatural force, but rather unbelievable acts of love and kindness.

I am alive because of my parents, who shortened their vacation in Japan and took the first available flight from Osaka to NYC so I wouldn't be alone while in crisis. I am here because of my boyfriend, who worked from home "sick" for a day to solve my jigsaw puzzle with me. I am here because of Amanda, Nora, and Charles, who acted as my wise mind when I was in fight-or-flight mode. I am here because of Matt, who mailed me a care package with the softest pink hoodie and the fluffiest pink bunny when he heard about my sick leave from work. A miracle did happen, although it's not the type of miracle I expected. It was 100 times better. There are people in this world with so much love in them, with tremendous hearts, and they are the reason I hold on to hope.

This battle with depression and BPD is not over, but so far, they have won every battle.

When my friend mailed me the care package, he also told me about his own battle with mental illness, his many hospitalizations, and the many ways we walked down the same difficult path. His care package was a box of hugs and love, and as I unwrapped each item, I could feel that he was in my corner. It's not a coincidence that those who have experienced the most pain are also the kindest people. I want to be kind like him, and I hope this suffering also endows me with the power to be somebody else's miracle.